the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
