im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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