Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
