did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
zippers are such a cool invention
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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