I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
