i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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