He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
