I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
