things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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