I puked a lego.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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