i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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