i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
