Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
