This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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