She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
