Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
nutella sex= disaster
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
