you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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