Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
