I faked an abortion last night.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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