Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
