i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
