my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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