sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
