We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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