On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
