I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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