My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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