Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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