U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
