3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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