I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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