Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
