I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize