she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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