I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
