I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
