So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
