I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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