One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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