I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
