it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
