Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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