He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
