sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
