I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
