Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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