my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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