I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Someone signed my nipple.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize