Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
