I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
