Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
