I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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