there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
