She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
