Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
