well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
