I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
