chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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