It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i've created a new STD.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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