He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
