Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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