So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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