if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
