My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
