I met the friendliest cop last night
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
