Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
