Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
