I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
