You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
