if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
