I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
